I signed up for a leadership program called LIFE (Leadership Initiative for Excellence) that consisted of seminars devoted to helping students learn about leadership and work in teams. The hours were Thursday 3pm-1am, Friday 7am-12:30am, and Saturday 7am-5pm. It was literally a boot camp. One of the trainers was Italian and one was Slovenian and they shouted at us constantly, had us do impromptu speeches about readiness, vision, etc in front of the group, and several other exercises to help us see what we want for our futures and how we can get there. The hours were so long and we got breaks for lunch and going to the bathroom--the rest of the time we were shut inside a room doing training. The people in my group were all great and I managed to learn more about them and come closer to them during the process. However, I had a lot of warfare going on inside me during the whole program. A lot of the things the trainers were talking about and teaching didn't match up with my own personal beliefs. I did a great job at ignoring it at first but Friday afternoon before dinner, I knew I had to make a hard decision.
In one part of the program we had to give one another feedback about how we had been doing so far. The piece of feedback that kept on being repeated for me was that I needed more passion and conviction in my speech. I thought a lot about that Friday, and it dawned on me why that was. We were given tasks to talk about our beliefs, what our vision was for the future, and how we could get there --BUT the more I thought about those things and the more speeches I gave the less and less passionate I was. I shared to the group about how I was a Christian first and foremost, but then I talked all about my dreams, aspirations, and my vision about someday starting my own dance studio or traveling with a dance company. And what I finally came to realize was --- those are MY plans. I wasn't projecting passion in my speech because it was all based upon my wants and not God's. I had gone completely against the #1 important thing in my life and went ahead and put myself first.
One of the biggest reasons I decided to study abroad was to get away from all the noise of the United States and of school. This fall semester my spiritual life suffered because I was so busy working two jobs, handling executive positions for student organizations, and having a full academic schedule. Even all of the activities I was involved in for Crusade for Christ was becoming more of a job than a joy. And I knew something drastic needed to change. I thought Italy would give me time to be intimate with God and enjoy the beauty of His earth. Yet I got here and I put myself in a leadership seminar that allowed me no time with God.
During our dinner break on Friday night, I stood up in front of all of the students and announced I would be withdrawing from the LIFE program before graduation on Saturday. I told them I hadn't been completely honest and for the first time I spoke with the passion I had been missing. I told them about how I came to Italy to grow spiritually and how whatever God's plan was for my life was a million times greater than anything I could come up with for myself. The program was becoming the very distraction from God I was trying to run away from. If God wants me to be a leader, I will trust him to develop me into a leader. The students were very compassionate in their response and each and every one of them stood up and gave me a hug and thanked me for sharing. I left the room and had to explain to the trainers I was leaving the program, but I knew the decision was totally God sent because I felt so much freedom and I was able to give up two big idols that Jesus asks us to lay down--my plans and performing for others.
Since then God has blessed me tremendously. I was able to hang out with my LIFE group tonight at the pizzeria and two students told me they really appreciated what I said and asked me to share more about my faith. That door would not have been opened if I hadn't taken the leap of faith to stand up for what I believed in.
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